color key — blue: mental health; red: abuse; green: relationship to self. contrast of light and dark correlates with bright and somber tones of voice.

A Gorgeous Feeling

A Gorgeous Feeling

A Gorgeous Feeling

A Gorgeous Feeling

I’m always thinking about that scene in "Melancholia," where Kirsten Dunst’s character is completely unbothered by the fact that a foreign planet was going to collide with Earth at any moment. I always think of how peaceful she seemed, as the ground behind her is decimated, and how her sister is losing her mind and covering her ears, trying to escape the inevitable. Her nephew is…I don’t remember. I just remember the stoniness in Kirsten’s eyes.  

I remember feeling that way.

I remember waiting for the world to end.

I prayed for it, every morning and every night.

I waited, because I didn’t want to end it myself…

I tried, and it terrified me…I hoped that we’d all get put out of our own misery.

I waited for that planet to enter our atmosphere, like a child wished for a shooting star to cross the night sky.

I hoped every moment I looked up that my prayer would be answered, like everyone would feel blessed to have such a happy ending.

I remember…

I remember the horrible ache in my chest. The question of why I couldn’t escape my sheets; why I couldn’t rise from the depths of my pillows and comforters, not even for something to eat.

I remember feeling pity for my family, feeling as if I was dead weight. I swear I could hear them saying that wanted to get rid of me.

It wasn’t okay like mamma said.

It wasn’t just weakness like daddy said.

It wasn’t just bullshit feelings like my friends said and it wasn’t just drama like my sisters said.

It was sadness I couldn’t explain. A deep sorrow that kept me wide awake at night. I was a sleep walker during the day. A true nightmare on elm street victim, only Freddie wasn’t out to get me; just my own thoughts telling me to drink the bleach in the laundry room, as I was getting ready to finally clean my sheets.

Where was that foreign planet when I needed it?

Where was it the week before my 18th birthday?

Where was it when I decided enough was enough.

Did I miss the emergency news cast, while I was out cold in my bed for the fifth time that week? Did I miss the miracle, where it’s course was changed, and we all celebrated our lives…? 

I don’t remember all the redeeming qualities of life…

I just remember hearing the sobs of mother if she found me lifeless.

I remember…holding onto to dear life, while trying to extinguish the breath in my lungs.

I remember saving myself.

I remember finding myself.

I remember mourning myself.

I remember…every second of pain I felt yesterday and today. 

© Midnight Woman 2021