About Cariann

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So far Cariann has created 26 blog entries.

It’s 9:18 p.m.

on a Thursday night. This week flew right by me. My thumb hovers over my older sister’s phone number, but I don’t press it to call her. I think to myself, This is it. This is the feeling that’s making me sick. It’s connection I need. But calling a family member of any kind only ever makes me feel worse, and there’s always more than a heaping dose of self-doubt and reversal of self-validation. Imagine a volcano being told by nature that it’s time to erupt, but when it comes time to let all hell break loose...

It’s 9:18 p.m.2019-10-06T23:13:43+00:00

My relationship

of four years finally came to an end. The relief I felt after the mutual split has now worn off, and I find myself in a daydream, remembering the beginning, experiencing a same-sex relationship for the first time with someone who did truly love me at one point, and I her. Somewhere along the line though, I morphed into a shadow of the woman I was. It was like I kept the real me locked away because I knew I had to protect her from my other-half's constant negativity and ridicule. Now that we're finished...

My relationship2019-08-28T17:22:38+00:00

“Protect the

undiagnosed.” I saw this post on Instagram, and I stared at it for a minute. I felt so clueless about who I am and the struggles I’ve been recently experiencing. The first time I went to therapy was shortly after my parents had divorced. I had just graduated from high school the previous summer and I was nineteen – struggling to find where I fit in this world. My mom wanted my sisters and I to have a controlled moment, where we could each express our opinion and feelings on the separation. I thought it...

“Protect the2019-08-28T14:53:29+00:00

If you had

a missing limb they would’ve listened / If you had cried in pain every night and robbed them a good night’s sleep they would’ve believed you / If you were deformed and freakish-looking they would’ve pitied you and prayed for you; from afar, but still empathetic enough / If you were blind a hundred strangers would be fighting over helping you cross the street / If you were deaf they would’ve learned sign language just to show you they care / If you were handicapped they would carry your weight every...

If you had2019-08-11T19:48:14+00:00

This time

feels different than the first time we broke up. The first time I was completely liberated; it was difficult to adjust, but still very freeing. This time it feels like standing in the eye of a hurricane. It feels like time is standing still and then you realize it’s June. Mick Jagger describes it perfectly: “as I watch you leaving me, you pack my peace of mind.” When someone has your heart — and this person still has mine — and they go, what are you left with? Your daily routine goes to shit. The person you want to tell things to...

This time2019-08-11T19:35:38+00:00

It’s never

enough. That sentence is stuck in my mind every single day. There are only two of us, my mom and I. She's retired right now, and I have become the one who is responsible for this family. I work in a digital agency, not because I like it, but because I need more money. You have no idea how sad I was when I had to leave my previous company for a better offer. I used to have my dream job, but I was getting paid less than I am right now. I'm so grateful for my job, to be honest with you...

It’s never2019-08-09T11:47:14+00:00

When you’re

gone... / It’s 11 p.m. and… / Soft, warm blankets encompass my body. / The sweet scent of lavender fills my soul, / And I once again prepare for sleep. / It’s 12 a.m. and… / I’m still awake, but I’m so exhausted / My body aches in need of rest, but my mind won’t relax. / Like an automatic alert system, it says, / “You have 9,000 appointments starting at 10 a.m.” / “You need to have 800 things done by class at 11 a.m.” / “Don’t forget to e-mail the 40 people you haven’t e-mailed back...

When you’re2019-08-07T15:08:45+00:00

After three years

I wonder if any of this matters. Have I really learned anything by throwing this around in my head for so long? Have I really decided what any of it means? I don’t know what happened three years ago. When I used to think about assault, it seemed so black and white. It’s either assault or it isn’t. It is all at once. You know it when you see it. He was my dear friend. I was attracted to him. We spent most days together, confiding in one another about our failed...

After three years2019-07-31T16:17:26+00:00

My first kiss

took place on a threadbare couch, the lights dimmed as my favorite movie, “The Great Gatsby,” was projected on the living room wall. We held hands under blankets full of childhood memories and my heart raced a staccato anthem in my chest, running wild with fear and anticipation. My eyes were wide open, his tongue was heavy in my mouth, and I remember wondering is there supposed to be so much spit?  Mere moments earlier I had met his mother...

My first kiss2019-07-30T17:28:33+00:00

I want to

talk about the abuses that don’t “count.” I want to talk about the things that seem to matter less, because I think we shine so much light on the sexual abuse that we forget that any kind of feelings-of-being-less-than matter. I think a lot of women are in a situation where they don’t feel like they should speak because “my situation was not nearly as bad as hers.” I’ve never been in a situation where someone explicitly expressed attraction toward me. No one has ever outright said to me...

I want to2019-07-30T16:57:53+00:00