Cariann

/Cariann

About Cariann

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So far Cariann has created 26 blog entries.

From the time

I was 12 until 16 I babysat for my neighbors who had seven children. It was in the sixties so I did this for fifty cents an hour. When I turned 16, the father invited me to work with him in his real estate office which was in their house. "Dress up," he said, so I crossed the field in my high heels and pretty dresses, slip through the fence, and help him by filing and performing simple tasks. I remember him asking me to stand on his desk and change a ceiling light bulb while...

From the time2019-07-30T15:48:55+00:00

I’m afraid

— afraid of the life that I'm living, but also of the one that I can't see before me. I’m afraid that I'm useless and worthless, that I dream nothing, do nothing. I don't know if I'm strong enough to live the life I see in my head, which involves letting my guard down and striving for something that may not even happen. I thought I knew where I wanted my life to go, but the truth is, I have no idea. I'm afraid to not be the person everyone thought I was, the person I thought I was...

I’m afraid2019-07-30T17:29:05+00:00

My anxiety

has completely taken over my life. The scariest part is the “depersonalization” feeling when I feel like, 'holy shit, am I even really here? Or am I just flesh and bones?' Leaving the house makes me nervous. Seeing my friends has become more of a chore than anything else. My doctor prescribed me medication but I am too scared to even take that. It feels as if my life is falling apart. I don’t know what to do next.

My anxiety2019-07-26T21:54:18+00:00

I am a

woman—I smile, I laugh, I love. Love is a funny thing. It has a way of making you feel like you're on cloud nine and embraces you into a warm, comforting hug. It makes you take in every second of this beautiful life and wish you could live in the moment forever, with whoever or whatever you're sharing that moment with. But...love can be complicated. It can make you put your trust into the wrong people. It can be manipulated and make you feel ashamed, guilty, and anxious. It can make you hate...

I am a2019-07-18T12:51:43+00:00

I don’t know

why I get so offended. Am I being too sensitive? I feel like people will never take me seriously. I feel like I constantly have to prove everyone wrong and sway people to think that I am qualified. Today someone said “How can she be fit for the job? She is so shy.” Another said “You’re so quiet”. All day I kept thinking about these two comments and couldn’t seem to understand why they hurt my feelings. It's not like what they said isn't true and it's also not offensive. They weren't bullying...

I don’t know2019-07-11T13:14:24+00:00

When I was

nineteen, the first boy I ever truly loved made me feel so safe, and so whole, and so loved. Sometimes he would make deprecating comments about me, or my appearance, or my brain, but it would always be brushed off as a joke — something to laugh at, something he of course didn't mean because he loved me. He showed me that so much, so often, in so many other ways. His older friends became my friends, and as we all spent more time together, I couldn't help feeling like I was the...

When I was2019-06-28T15:04:01+00:00

I have survived

abuse and assault. I have survived depression and anxiety. I have survived toxic relationships. I have loved and lost and loved again. I have survived the death of many people close to me. I have survived the 10-hour car ride to get here. I want to show people that it’s okay to talk about difficult subjects. I want to show others that they can fight too. I want to show people that personal progress is not a straight line. I have survived my physically and mentally abusive father...

I have survived2019-06-22T14:54:30+00:00

We met when

I was nineteen. My best friend and I drove to a nearby city for a concert because we had a car and the means. He was in one of the bands and he noticed me. That’s every girl’s dream, right? A boy in a band who has a handful of groupies and yet, he notices you. But he was a man with a lot of pent up everything – an addictive personality, and not a single clue of what the word “no” meant. Sometimes I think I wasn’t vocal enough, that I let him live in a lie...

We met when2019-06-18T16:29:13+00:00

It was my

18th birthday. In my country, that’s our legal drinking age. I went out with a group of friends. Anyone who knows me will tell you I make friends easily, mainly male friends. One of the people I went out with that night was a male friend. We met at uni, and I said he could share my bed with me that night because two of my other friends had taken up the spare bedroom. For me and my friends, female or male, sharing a bed is platonic, normal...

It was my2019-06-12T12:42:52+00:00

Nobody really

talks about what it's like to have an out of body experience. It's a very surreal and unnerving feeling. Only in therapy did I learn it's a way to cope with an immense amount of trauma. But because no one discussed mental illness around me, I was lost in a world with no doors. I just figured not wanting to get out of bed was my new normal. That even though I smiled when I didn't want to was something people just expected of me...

Nobody really2019-06-10T10:25:16+00:00