color key — red: assault; blue: mental health. contrast of light and dark correlates with bright and somber tones of voice.

Haunted But Not Defined By

Haunted But Not Defined By

Haunted But Not Defined By

Haunted But Not Defined By

Unfortunately, a lot of my experience with sexual assault was with one specific person. A person who I thought couldn’t make mistakes. Someone who I thought truly loved me. Throughout my childhood, I hadn’t realized how harmful this person was being to me or my sister. I never realized the impact they’d have on me transitioning into adult life. My mother had passed a couple years ago. I thought, “Well shit. This is the only person I have left connected to her.”

This person is my grandmother. For years, I thought being molested wasn’t what it was, I thought grandmothers just do this with their grandkids. I thought nothing of it. When I was 18, I understood how much I did not want it. I finally came to the realization that it was unwarranted. It was uncomfortable. It was disgusting. It took me 18 years to figure out that I’m not supposed to have that type of relationship with my grandmother.

The guilt is what I now have to work through, accepting it for what it was, telling myself my mother would be by my side. It’s a major pain to deal with. Amongst everything else that goes on, this weighs on me more than anything. It’s been almost two years since our last encounter and I can’t wait for the time to keep adding on. It can be anyone. At any point. It does not matter who they are or what they mean to other people. Evil is evil no matter what it’s disguised as. It just takes a clever mind to reveal it. Unfortunately, for me, it took too long.

It haunts me, but it doesn’t define me. 

© Midnight Woman 2021