I was awakened
to the feeling of an unwanted guest, shaken to consciousness by alarm and confusion. I knew those hands, those fingers. They high fived me after I told a good joke, they hugged me and made me beam with pride, they held me when I was a newborn.
No, I didn’t want this.
After I fled I was told that I SHOULD HAVE….
But I couldn’t.
This was someone I trusted. Someone I loved. Someone I knew loved me. So how could he…..
This is what I know.
I know what happened.
I believe my body; she has never lied.
I am safe.
It was not my fault.
I am allowed to rest.
I am allowed to not be okay.
Not everyone deserves to know the full extent of my pain.
I will not use my pain for shock value.
I will not freeze my trauma via humor.
I choose to focus on the present moment… my inhale and exhale… not on my future unknown nor my past harm.
I will be okay, just not now.