I Was Awakened

cw: sexual assault. I was awakened to the feeling of an unwanted guest, shaken to consciousness by alarm and confusion. I knew those hands, those fingers. They high fived me after I told a good joke, they hugged me and made me beam with pride, they held me when I was a newborn.

Confused.

Terrified.

Frozen.

Scared.

Aroused?

No, I didn’t want this.

After I fled I was told that I SHOULD HAVE....

Said something.

Woken him.

Cried out.

Moved.

Said no.

But I couldn’t.

This was someone I trusted. Someone I loved. Someone I knew loved me. So how could he..... 

This is what I know.

I know what happened.

I believe my body; she has never lied.

I am safe.

It was not my fault.

I am allowed to rest.

I am allowed to not be okay.

Not everyone deserves to know the full extent of my pain.

I will not use my pain for shock value.

I will not freeze my trauma via humor.

I choose to focus on the present moment… my inhale and exhale… not on my future unknown nor my past harm.

I will be okay, just not now.