Slip Through My Fingers

I'm in my mid-twenties.

One and a half weeks ago I got the news that I was selected for my dream job. I’ve been working toward this since I was 18. When I got the news, I felt the happiest and healthiest I had felt in a long time. I finally did it.

A few days after getting the job news, I found out I was two to three weeks pregnant. I saw everything start to slip through my fingers. Years of hard work disappeared as quickly as water down the drain. You see, the field I’m going into is actually very welcoming of families. But you can’t go through the preparation it takes to start the job while you’re pregnant. My spot would be taken away from me.

I could have lived my whole life with fulfillment if I never became a mother. I have been grasping for and reaching toward this job like my life depends on it. It is my dream.

I’m scared of abortion because I don’t feel like I deserve the right. So many people in worse situations than myself have unwanted pregnancies that they see through the end. I have a good life. I have a husband. We struggle sometimes, sure, but I still have a partner.

On the other hand regarding the pregnancy, I’ve never backed down from a challenge. I feel like a failure either way. If I end the pregnancy, I’m a coward.

The earliest appointment I could get in a clinic is in about a week. I wish it would come sooner. I wish I could get it over with. I want to desperately feel again what I felt getting that job offer; I was on top of the world. Everything was in my reach. I felt like I could accomplish anything I set out for. At that moment, limits did not exist. That is what I want so badly more than anything.

Yet, I fear that regardless of the choice I make, those same feelings will never come back. I fear that such things are now an illusion and I deserve only what life decides to give me.

This is a piece of my story; I desperately don’t want it to be the whole story. This is not supposed to be what defines me in the end.

I hope it doesn’t.