color key — green: relationship to self; yellow: relationships. contrast of light and dark correlates with bright and somber tones of voice.
"I'm in love with him." I broke down into tears, barely able to whisper, "I put him through so much." My wrenched gut can't handle the ferocity of my tears. I didn't know that I am still so heartbroken. I'm crying hysterically, afraid to make a sound. Someone could hear me. I hold my breath, try to get control of myself, but I only choke and cry harder. Deep breaths, I tell myself, slowly now. I've finally managed to settle down enough to begin writing in my journal again. The only one who listens to me without judgement.
I put him through so much. That's why I couldn't say it back, that I am in love with him. He deserves better than the shit I put him through. I don't deserve someone who loves me enough to stay after that.
Well, why is that true? Because I'm unworthy of love? That is false. I deserve love, I deserve to be happy.
Can I let the same person who broke me, love me? I don't know.
I long for someone who wants me to feel safe with them. A man who won't force things out of me but refuses let me crawl back into my shell and hide. He's everywhere here. I think that's why it hurts so much.
The reality is that I'm here working on a better life for myself, for my future. The present is where I am needed. He is not here. If he wanted to be here, he would be. It's time to focus on myself. Becoming the best version of myself is more important than wishing for "what could've been" or what I think "should be." There is a reason things did not work out. The love I need and deserve will find me. That man will be my match, and in due time, our paths will cross. So for now, I will work on me and I learn to love myself the way I know I deserve. He wasn't the best for me, I know that. It's why he's not still here.