Why Should He Get To Believe

cw: sexual assault. Was it rape if he doesn't know that it was?

If we shared a bed, split rent, had a dog, was it rape? If I said no and he told me I didn't love him, so I stopped saying no, does he know it was rape? Do I know it was rape? If I didn't bleed or tear or scream or fight, does he know that I didn't want it? Does he know that he has ruined small parts of my life? Does he know that as we decided to separate, I only said we could remain friends because I was afraid of saying no? Does he know that because he showed up at my apartment for months, I still look over my shoulder to make sure he isn't there? Even when I'm a country away. And if he doesn't know, why does he get to not know? Why do I have to know, but he gets to live a life where he didn't rape his wife? Why do I feel wrong in saying I was raped? Because I wasn't drunk? Because it wasn't a low-lit street? Because it wasn't the middle of the night? Because I didn't fall into the stereotype of what a rape victim looks like? Or was it because he didn't hold me down? He didn't tell me to shut up. He didn't shove me onto the bed. 

I go over this constantly. It wasn't rough enough so I wasn't raped. I had bruises and I had pain, but we were in a relationship. Because my nonresistant sex was 'good' sex. He thinks it was just good sex. He thinks me laying down without protest was good sex. That allowing him the time to get off was good sex. That when he maneuvered me on top of him and held my hips in place, it was good sex. I didn't say no, so it was good sex.

But it wasn't good sex. So why does he get to believe that it was?